My weight loss journey

Everyone's been bugging me about the weight I've managed to lose so I promised some that I would blog about it. Though, I'm not an expert but what I've been doing seems to be working so far. So why not share? Good things must share right? lol.

So let me start from the beginning...

It all began when I started to realize that the clothes I bought, in size UK18 (my normal usual size for as long as I could remember!), was beginning to be tight. Not to mention, my mum kept mentioning how fat I've become. 

Gee, thanks mum. As if my self-esteem isn't bad enough. Everytime someone mentions something about my weight, on the outside, I would be like...

But on the inside...

I mean, who wouldn't be upset about such comments? But I always just brush it off, like I always do. See, the good (or atleast I've always thought it was good) thing about me is that it's easy for me to brush things off. After a while, I simply push the matter aside and forget about it. 

I started to also HATE taking pictures. I looked so horrible in them. No matter what angle, my face was so damn round. I really began to hate how I look. I don't think I have much selfies of when I was at my heaviest. And even when I do take selfies, I end up deleting them.

This was when I went Batam with my parents in 2012. Some of the very few pictures I have of myself when I was at my fattest.

Yikes!

The thing about me is that I have a low self-esteem to begin with, because of the constant bullying and people making fun of me in school. When I was in primary school, the boys used to call me "Super Duper Sumo", in reference to the cartoon that was quite popular during that time. 

At first, it really hurt even though I would NEVER show how much it hurts. I would act like it didn't bother me and I will always end up chasing after them or pretend to want to chase them and they would run away. That's when I realized that they are actually afraid of me. 

The boys would call me names to rile me up and when I got riled up and go after them, they would run away. Pfft. Boys.

I think that's how I learn how to brush things off. I learned to push aside my anger and rather, focus on other positive things instead. But of course, that doesn't mean it still didn't hurt. 

I don't think I've ever told anyone, not even my mum, how those boys made me feel. I would usually go home and cry. The first few times at least. After a while, I kind of got used to it. Yes, how terrible is that? Getting used to being called "Sumo", "Fatty bom-bom" and "Gemok"?

It got better in secondary school though. I guess, cause the boys "grew up". I even got a couple of good guy friends but there are still occasions where they would make fun of me. But by then, I got used to it that I would just laugh it off and not get as affected anymore.

Of course, I've never had a guy being attracted to me. I mean, I myself know that I was not attractive. I've always envied my friends, for being so pretty and having boyfriends. And seriously, WHY DO I HAVE PRETTY FRIENDS?! Really, all of my friends are so pretty lor. Tsk.

Sometimes, I really do wonder why in the world would they even be friends with me when I am so fat and ugly?

When I entered polytechnic, I actually lost weight during my first year. Not a lot, but enough for people to notice. Maybe cause that's when I really discovered the joy of shopping and dressing up!

Before, I was the jeans-and-tshirt-kind of girl. Yes, ME. I know it's hard to believe cause all I'm wearing nowadays are dresses and skirts but I used to wear jeans and t-shirts!

People started commenting about how I've lost weight and how good I look. It definitely gave my ego a boost!

And during my first year of poly was also when I met my very first (and only) boyfriend.

I started to not really care about the way I looked after we've dated for a year or so. I ate whatever I want and it doesn't help that our dates usually consist of us eating! Plus, the fact that dude didn't like it whenever I dressed up cause apparently, he "like you the way you are, in jeans and t-shirt."

Pfft. At that time, of course, I thought that was sweet of him. If only I knew what kind of a guy he truly was. But that's another story for perhaps another post!

I started to be comfortable. I had the thinking of "why bother about how I look when I already found someone?" Oh boy! What a HUGE mistake!!! But I think that's what happens when you're in a relationship. You start to not really care about how you look anymore? NEVER MAKING THAT MISTAKE AGAIN.

My colleague don't understand how I didn't realized that I was putting on weight. Honestly, I really don't! I don't see myself any differently. Till AFTER my break-up.

That was when I started being self-conscious again and realized how round my face was in pictures. After Hari Raya in August 2012, I really had some sort of a "wake-up call". All the pictures of me that was taken during Hari Raya was freaking ugly! I look so damn terrible!!!

COME ON! How horrible do I look?!?!?!

I couldn't believe it. I hated every single picture of me that was taken. I felt like that was not even me! The pictures looked like it was of someone else, someone who seriously had a weight problem. 

Now, if you think that was enough to make me get my ass off and start losing weight, you're wrong. I didn't immediately begin losing weight. I used school as an excuse. I had recently started my university classes and constantly told myself that I was too busy to exercise, with assignments and all. But by November, I was less busy and my weight was seriously beginning to bug me.

You see, I've been fat my whole life, or atleast when I started schooling. Cause from my childhood pictures, I must say, I was quite skinny and adorable! HAHAHA.

Aww! I've always thought I was such a cute little kid! But then, what happened?

Once I got less busy, I figured it's time. So I finally forced myself to step on a weighing scale. And oh boy! Guess what my weight was? Come on! Guess!!!

Okay. I doubt anyone can guess.

I was........

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111.5KG!!!!!

My thought process:

"Wait. What? That doesn't say 111.5KG, right?"

"OMG. Yes. It does!"

"Shit. Shit. Shit."

Well, that escalated quickly."

"WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?!?!"

"I cannot believe I let myself go this much!"

"Now what?"

I was really the heaviest I have ever been. I've been fat all my life. I mean, I've always been that fat girl who has skinny friends and more often than not, I compensate with being funny cause I know that I will never be the "pretty" one. So I'd rather be the "funny" one than the "fat" one. Does that makes sense?

But of course, it helps that I have an amazing sense of humour! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

But 111.5KG?!?! Sure, I've reach 100KG before. When I was taking 'O' Levels, I think. (I eat when I'm stressed/upset, you see!) But at the heaviest was, I think, probably 103KG?

This. Was. Too. Much.

I was not only shocked but angry and sad too. I could not believe I let myself go THAT much. It was seriously the 'splash cold water to your face" kind of wake-up call that I needed. That was when I gave myself a pep talk.

I remembered telling myself, "Ain. You have NEVER been this fat. None of your clothes fit you anymore. Why did you let a guy and comfort make you let go of yourself THIS much? Do you really want to be this fat? Do you really want to be fat for the rest of your life?" 

So I started to put my Kinect XBOX360 to good use.

My parents had gotten me a Kinect for my birthday and I've rarely use it. I think I've had it for a year and have only used it 3-4 times? My excuse for wanting the Kinect was so that I could use it to exercise but, obviously, that never happened. HAHAHAHA.

But not this time! This time, I was determined!!! 

Don't really remember when but somewhere in December 2012, I started using the Kinect, playing Dance Central 2 and tennis & boxing on Sports Kinect almost every night.

Dance Central 2. Miss Aubrey is my favourite character. Always choose her cause her body is what I've always wanted. LOL.

Boxing on Sports Kinect!

Tennis on Sports Kinect Season 2!

It was EXHAUSTING. 

At first, I could only do the Dance Central for about 30 minutes before I was sweating like crazy and wheezing. I would also need to take a break in between 2-3 songs before I continue. But my body was aching in places I didn't even know could ache! So I knew I was doing something right.

Other than actually getting my ass off my bed, I also started to cut down on my food intake. 

I did not have the willpower to stop eating what I love and stick to just salads and fruits. I love food too much!!

#truth

 So I eat as usual, all the things that I love, but just cut the intake to half. Oh! And I stop eating rice. Except for Briyani. I mean, who can say no to Nasi Briyani right?

LOOK AT THIS BEAUTY! lol.

I lost about 6kg that first month! I felt so motivated and happy that I was shedding the weight instead of putting it on. I kept going and gradually, I slowly lost weight every month.

By February, school had ended for me and I was pretty much free and had tons of time. So I forced myself to play the Kinect every single day. 

Over time, I also could play Dance Central longer. From 30 minutes, in between taking breaks, I could do an hour with NO breaks in between!

I actually started getting obsessed. I would feel incomplete if I didn't Kinect for more than 2 days. It also helps that it wasn't really exercising cause it was dancing and dancing is fun! Who knew exercise could be fun?

If I was going out that day, I would do it before I went out or after. If I feel like I had eaten a little too much that day, I would play Dance Central longer. I was honestly surprise at myself that I was doing well. Of course, the numbers on the weighing scale was getting lesser and lesser every month but I didn't really feel it. 

I still see the same super fat and round face in the mirror. I didn't feel skinnier. I still felt fat. Even when people all around me, friends and family, were complimenting me, telling me that I've lost weight, I still didn't feel like I've lost weight. 

Sure, the compliments were amazing to get, a nice change after all the "Oh. Wow! You've gotten big huh?". 

Sure, I got the ego boost that I needed with the compliments. But that doesn't make me change the way I see myself.

So I started comparing.

I looked through my old pictures, trying to find full-length pictures of me. Found a picture from a graduation party at RP that I went to with some of my girlfriends and I realized that I just wore the exact same dress a couple of days ago and I had OOTD-ed it on Instagram. 

Imagine my surprise when I put the two picture together and realize that there has been a change, physically! 

BAM!

LOOK. AT. THE. BEFORE. 

How the hell did I let that picture be taken, I have no idea. And what in the world was I thinking, wearing a dress that was obviously too tight to a PARTY?! 

By that time, I think I've lost about 20kg? For the first time in my life, I was immensely proud of myself! I was even more determine to continue what I've been doing and get to an acceptable weight!

I was MORBIDLY OBESE, not even obese okay. MORBIDLY. (It is medically-correct hor!) 

I don't need to be super skinny like most girls. I just want my weight/BMI to be acceptable for once in my life. I just want to be healthy.

Amen Demi!

And thanks to the fact that I'm tall, 1.70M, I don't have to lose as much weight. My BMI before was 38.6 which puts me at a high risk and the healthy range of BMI is 18.5-22.9! Goodness! 15.7 difference! 

 Anyways, the acceptable weight for my height is between 53.5-72.3KG and I was almost halfway there!

By then, I had started working full-time. I started in June, so my weight loss have now started to slow down. I used to lose about 4-5kg every month cause of the almost-everyday workout and lesser food intake. But nowadays, I only manage to lose about 1-2kg every month, which is still not bad! 

I actually even gained 1 kg during my first month of work!!! 

I was truly upset la. Especially when I feel like all of my hard work had gone down the drain. But I had to admit that I did ate more and played kinect lesser too. Plus I snacked while doing work too. Sigh.

I usually try to do it on alternate days or whenever I don't go out after work. But for that month, I went out for dinner with different friends almost every night, explaining why I ended up Kinect-ing only on weekends. So it was really my own fault.

Sometimes, I really do feel like giving up cause I would be so damn tired after work and all I wanna do is lie on my bed and watch TV.

So there are days where I would negotiate with myself. If I don't do it today, the next day, I would do it but double! And I really did double-up! Even I'm surprised at my determination. HAHAHA.

After about 6-7 months, the Kinect was getting too easy for me. So Nadiah (my health-freak-cum-motivator-friend) suggested that I try carrying weights. So I bought my very first pair of dumbbells! Only 2KG each but it's a good start. So I started using the dumbbells WHILE playing Dance Central. My arms and body started aching again and I was starting to perspire as much as I had first started again!

I am such a genius! HAHAHA.

The last couple of months, I have not been losing weight though. My weight has been static and it is so FRUSTRATING! Nadiah said that that means my usual workout is not enough anymore and its time I increase it. She also mentioned that running is the easiest way to lose weight, which I've heard from a couple of other people too. 

I've lost so much weight and I would hate it if I'm stuck before I get to an acceptable weight! So I started looking around and surveying the gyms. Yes, GYMS. A few years ago, I wouldn't be caught dead in a gym and I was starting to consider signing up for one?!

*pats back*

Unfortunately for me, I couldn't really afford a gym membership cause of my shopping and eating habits. Hehs. But seriously, why are gym memberships so bloody expensive?! More than $100 for a month and I could only probably go for 3 times a week? If I'm lucky. So not worth it la! 

Did a little more digging and I found ClubFITT Gyms. ClubFITT has branches all over Singapore and it's set up by Singapore Sports Council, so it's definitely gonna be cheaper! Best thing: it has a pay-per-entry system! Only $2.50!!

The bad thing? Confirm + chop, it's gonna be super packed! And I was right. So I decided to go before work every Monday, Wednesday & Friday cause that's when it opens at 7AM. The rest of the time, it opens at 8AM. Since work starts at 9:30AM, I could go at 7AM, stay for an hour, go home and shower and get ready to go to work by 9AM. Perfect plan!

After going consistently every Monday, Wednesday & Friday for 2 weeks, I decided to buy the off-peak membership at $50 for SIX months! Off-peak meaning from the time it opens till 4PM, every weekday. Which is perfect for me!

I've only been going to the gym for 3 weeks now and all I've done is run on the treadmill for 25 minutes and do a couple of the weight machines and I've finally lost another kg after being stuck for 2 months! Whoohoo!~

And going to the gym has been liberating. I actually enjoy and look forward to go to the gym now. Yes, there's quite a lot of people there but nobody cares what you're doing so it's not as intimidating as I once thought. I feel fresh and energized after going to the gym. 

Wow. Cannot believe I'm saying all these. 5-years-ago-me would be so shocked and proud at the now-me. 

So, its been a little over a year now and I'm proud to say that I've lost 36KG. Yeap.

THIRTY-SIX KILOGRAMS!!

So proud of myself lor! From 111KG to 75KG. And I am now a size UK14! (I've never been able to wear anything below UK16!!!) And I can also now fit into a size M instead of L/Xl/XXL/XXXXXXXXXL! HEHEHE.

Ultimately, my goal weight is 70KG and that means I have 5 more KG to go!

Sounds easy after being able to shed 36KG but trust me, the last few KGs are usually the hardest! 

So to make sure I still workout, I would go to the gym 3 times a week and Kinect on weekends and only let myself watch my usual shows like HIMYM, BBT, 2 Broke Girls, Glee and etc, while Kinect-ing. I would mute the Kinect and put my laptop on my bed so I can play Dance Central while watching the shows from my laptop. Smart huh? This way, I would be forced to workout when my shows have started to compile!

Honestly, when I first started, I NEVER thought my weight would ever be 80KG again, let alone even aiming to get to 70KG! My goal weight at first was 90KG and even then, I didn't think it was possible. But look where I am now! Daring to set my goal at 70KG!

I'm not giving up now! I think because I work so hard to get to where I am now, I don't think I would ever let myself go that much again. Or all my hard work would go down the drain. I mean, now, when I indulge a little bit too much, I would already feel guilty. So I'm hoping this would help me to keep myself on track! 

I think my biggest fear now is that one day, I would go back to being over 100KG. I DO NOT EVER WANT TO GO BACK TO THE WAY I WAS. So sometimes, I would go a little crazy with the exercising and eating. LOL. Luckily, I've now become used to eating less and my stomach can't take as much food as before anyway.

So to everyone who has been asking me how I've lost weight, its a little bit of exercising, a little bit of controlling your diet and a whole lot of determination! If you don't have the determination, you would never accomplish anything! I never realized how important determination is. 

I'm trying not to get all the compliments into my head cause yes, I may have lost weight, but I have not reach my goal weight yet! So I still gotta exercise more and eat less!!!

And just to show off a little bit, here's my latest comparison of before and after. HEHE.

I hope some of you feel motivated now. Trust me, the aches and pains are worth it. Your body will thank you. It's no use to just sit and cry over something that you can change cause it's all in our own mind. We choose whether we want to change or not. Nobody else determines that. And honestly, if you don't want to try and change, no one can force you too. It all begins with YOU.

If I can do it, you can too!!! 

And this is coming from one of the laziest person that you will ever meet! Really! Just ask any of my friends or family members. They all know how lazy I am!

And to all those boys who used to bully me, all those people who looked down on me cause I'm fat and all those distant relatives who always commented on how big I am, this is for you!